the dance of connection: toward interdependence

Do you ever feel like you must choose between being independent and authentic (yet alone), or in close relationships (yet codependent and people-pleasing)?

Many of us have internalized the message that our primary value in the world lies in what we can offer to others. Maybe we learned this in our childhoods - perhaps we were put into a position of parenting our parents and supporting them through their own struggles and challenges. Others of us learned this as we got older - maybe friendships were contingent on what we could offer, rather than who we were as people. There is plenty of societal messaging that underlines this idea - we are often encouraged to objectify people and discard them if they aren’t giving us what we want. Ultimately, this can lead us to a place of feeling as though we must be who others want us to be, rather than who we truly are.

Sometimes when we notice this, we can over-correct. We go full-speed into independence: “I don’t need anyone! I can rely on myself.” That way, you might think, I can be who I truly am - and you might begin to associate being alone with being free. It might feel too uncomfortable to be your full self and take up space with others, so it feels easier to either go along with it or exit entirely. Still, we’re social beings and we need belonging, and this can lead us to feel as though we have a stark choice to make: give up ourselves to be in relationship, or stay alone and be our true selves. 

This is a tough state of affairs. In each of those choices, we’re giving up something very important. We need connection, and we also need to be able to be our authentic selves. It can be difficult to know which to choose: dependence, or independence?

interdependence

“Along with the other animals, the stones, the trees, and the clouds, we ourselves are characters within a huge story that is visibly unfolding all around us, participants within the vast imagination, or Dreaming, of the world.”
David Abram

Luckily, that choice isn’t reality. There is a third choice, beyond the binary of (co)dependent and independent: interdependence. 
​
In nature, there is no such thing as independence: simply being alive and present on the planet puts you firmly in a family of interconnected beings. You need only look at the first law of ecology to see this: everything is connected to everything else. We give and we take. We breathe in life through oxygen exhaled by trees and plants, and we return that breath of life in the form of carbon dioxide. Yes, to be a full part of the world there is an exchange - part of belonging involves giving to others, but you are also supposed to receive. You are both an individual and a part of a collective.

Interdependence is the idea that you can both be your true, fullest self, while also being in a mutual, reciprocal relationship with others and with the world. It means being able to stand firm and to move; to give and to take; to admit mistakes and to stand up for yourself. It honors the fact that you are an individual but are inextricably connected to a larger web of others.

Cultivating interdependence takes time and patience. In the Western world, we aren’t often taught about interdependence, or given what we need during childhood to build this skill. Some feel a strong pull within them to please others, to the detriment of their own authenticity and sometimes even their well-being. This can lead us to feel alone even when we’re surrounded by others, because we hide who we truly are, and so we don’t feel truly loved. Others feel a strong pull to distance themselves from others because they’ve internalized the idea that to be truly ourselves is to be by ourselves, and not rely on others. Often, these states are different sides of the same coin, and at the root is often a small, vulnerable part of us that wonders if we truly deserve to be loved and if we truly are good enough.

​Here’s the thing: you are enough. There is nothing you must do or be to be a valuable, worthy part of the complex web of life on this planet. You do not need to be productive or obedient to deserve belonging. You also do not need to do everything on your own. It is okay to need others and to ask for help. But knowing that intellectually and truly believing it are very different things. Often, we react in ways that reinforce our natural positions almost without realizing it, and so pursuing interdependence requires self-reflection and a willingness to grow. It also requires self-compassion - it means building a relationship with yourself that is strong. It means being able to cultivate a love and trust for yourself that will help you stay true to yourself even when others disagree - and it also means having enough love for yourself to allow yourself to be wrong and to change your mind. When you truly love yourself, it is much easier to be interdependent, because you know that nothing can change the fact that you are worthy and deserving of love - that way, admitting a mistake does not have to mean rejecting or chastising yourself, and making room for someone else does not have to mean shrinking or changing yourself. This then opens you up to deeper, more authentic connections with others, because being in relationship no longer means losing yourself.​